Starting Soon

Well it is official.... we have signed the paperwork to start in June.  We qualified for the money back plan so we have 4 fresh tries and any frozen with that to try and get a live baby or we get our money back minus the thousands we have to spend on drugs each time.... We have everything on our part done for the loans so we are just waiting for them to actually give us the money and then we get to write out a big fat check..... the biggest check I've ever written....  I go back and forth between being ok/excited at what will hopefully be the results and dreading all the drugs and shots and tests and craziness that will follow... when we asked they said that you usually wait a month between each try so this process could drag out a bit... and you have to use any frozen ones before doing another fresh try... so it could really take awhile.

I'm starting to wonder how I'm going to feel to finally have a chance to get pregnant.  It has been at least 7 years since I've been excited to take a pregnancy test.  After awhile I stopped wasting my money on them and refused to take any until I was at least a week late.... I think the last one I took may have been when we found out we were pregnant with Adam...nature tells you eventually anyway.  So now I will be going in for a blood test at the right time.... I'm sure I will be crazy nervous.... I'm just glad to know that we have so many tries for this to happen... the odds are only in the %30s each time for anyone.  I'm trying so hard to be cautiously optimistic... I think it will happen eventually, but I don't think I'm expecting it the first time.... we are telling people we are doing this... I hope it isn't too hard to tell people when it doesn't work the first time... see I'm trying to make it easier on myself already by not expecting it to work.

Someone asked me the other day if it is hard for me to hear about other people getting pregnant... and I was feeling really good that day so I said, well it depends on the day but mostly I know that God has a plan and a different challenge for everyone.  Some people keep getting pregnant without planning it or wanting it and some just don't get pregnant at all... no one can experience both things so who are we to say which is worse... having a child I know what it is to be so frustrated with him that sometimes I wonder why I want another....I know there are benefits to only having one.... it does make some things easier.... oh I got off track... hearing about other people... honestly I am happy for them.  Most of the ones I hear about are friends who really want a child to come and I am so excited for them... but it does also sometimes, especially if I'm having a rough day, make me wonder why it is that my body can't just get it right.  I know that I live in a wonderful time of modern medicine and miracles.... even in the last 10 years the advances in invirto are incredible.  I'm grateful that we have an option and that I can know why things aren't working... but sometimes I just wish that things could be easier and that my body would work... yep I'm throwing myself a little pity party today....

OK that is over.... we did go to a seminar on the invitro process the other day.  Yes there is a lot and yes I get to take some fun and exciting drugs and give myself shots... but I got to thinking about it... and it really isn't that bad... it last about 2 weeks... they put me on birth control so they can have some control over the cycle and to rest my ovaries and then I start ultrasounds, drugs, and blood tests... about 2 weeks later its done for probably almost 2 months... and while I don't know much about the frozen I do know that is a whole lot easier... well I guess its not totally true... there is a drug that might be a shot that you keep taking until you get a negative pregnancy test or about 10 weeks into the pregnancy... but that isn't too bad, just a little annoying.... and the first week of that 2 weeks you are just doing the drugs and then going in every 2 to 3 days for a quick blood draw and ultrasound...  considering the fact that they are trying to take everything out of your body to make and start growing a baby in a lab and then put it back into your body it doesn't really seem that much.... like I said it depends on which day you talk to me about all this.

Well I guess there is your update on us and this lovely journey that we are starting oh so soon... hey years from now this will all be a distant memory and I won't really care about all of this.  Everything starts in just over a month... so until then I just get to wait...