Sore

It's late.... I should be asleep... But I took a nap today and I'm just uncomfortable. My back just aches and won't stop and my but feels like I did a good work out. Last night I took tynelol pm and it worked great... But I took the last one...  I my have to get more of those.

So our egg transfer is now on Tuesday. We have 4 good plus eggs, 1 good, 7 fair, and 1 poor so they decided to hold off till day 5 to do the transfer. I was a little disappointed, but I want to do what will give us a best chance for success so we wait.... There sure is a lot of waiting with infertility and guess what. Infertility sucks!  Ok well I should probably stop writing and try to eat some sleep... And if I keep writing I'm just gonna complain.... And I don't need that negativity in my life right...  I'm blaming it on the hormones.... I started crying like 3 times today and almost cried like another 500.... And who decided to do this during a heat wave.....  Ok going to sleep now....

Egg Retrival

We got the go ahead on Tuesday night for the trigger shot. I was surprised when we didn't get it Monday and a little disappointed. That made me a bit grumpy to have another day of shots but we made it. We took the trigger shot on Tuesday night and on Wednesday I had to take a home pregnancy test. The shot is the hormone that they use to measure pregnancy so getting a positive test means the shot worked.... If only it meant what it was supposed too.....  Anyway, it was nice to not have to take any shots or blood draws on Wednesday!  I realize now that if we are successful I will have at least one shot everyday for about 3 months except for that one day.... Sigh.

Ok so Thursday morning I didn't sleep well and we were all up early. At 8:30 we dropped Adam off at a friends house and drove up to the clinic. We didn't hit any traffic so we were really early. There is construction on our drive so I was a little surprised but it was nice. Once at the clinic we waited for a few minutes and then they took us back. The nurse talked to us a bit and gave us some information on the progesterone shot and then left us alone. We waited some more and then they came and got Scott to do his thing. I waited in the room all by myself until the doctor came in a talk a little about the procedure. We were one of 4 egg Retrivals that day. Also based on scans he thought they would probably get about 6 good eggs. He left and a bit later another nurse came in and brought me back to the OR I guess... I got in a gown from the waist done and they had me lay on the bed. The anatheaist came in and the embryo guy introduced himself.... I didn't have my glasses on and was a bit nervous so I just smiled... Anyway they put an IV in my arm and the next thing I know I was waking up in recovery withy husband next to me. The nurse said they got 14 eggs and that sounded great... Our doctor said that normally 75 percent of the eggs are mature and then 50 percent of those fertilize... So 14 was a lot better for our changes than 8. The nurse gave me my first progesterone shot in my bum and we recovered and headed home. I was feeling pretty good. We picked up Adam and got some lunch... Then I started to feel sick. Scott had me check something on his phone and I couldn't do it anymore. When we got home I asked Scott to put my lunch in the fridge and o went straight to my bed. I even asked for a bowl just in case but didn't have to use it. That was around noon I think and I slept until about 5. I was feeling good and Adam had a t-ball came so we all went to that. All I had to do was sit there for the game so I figured it was ok. We were parked right next to the field and everything... I did walk a bit slow but my family waited with me!

On Friday I woke up feeling good!  My bum was sore from the shot.... It felt like I had done a good workout but other than that it was ok. Scott gave me my next shot.... It is really hard to give yourself a shot in the bum... We have black sharpie circles there to tell us where to do the shots.  The actual shot isn't too bad, but I start feeling sore about 5... If we are pregnant we have to do these shots for about 10 weeks... The reason is because I had so many drugs to trick my body that it isn't sure what to do. So now we have to give my body time to figure it out which means making sure the stuff the baby would need to survive is in there until my body figures out what is going on with all of our trickery... I am not a fan of hear shots because they make me sore... Hopefully they will get better right!

Anyway. The most exciting news was that on Friday morning about 9 we got a call from the clinic and of out 14 eggs 13 are mature. And of those 13 mature eggs 12 fertilized!!!!!!  There will still be drop off probably each day but we are so excited that there are so many more than we thought!  I know the doctor wasn't sure he would get anything good out of my left ovary because it has been attacked by the endometriosis so maybe that is why the number is higher than thought. Anyway.... Now we can hope for 1 or 2 frozen cycles before we have to do another fresh, but we will see what happens.

So yesterday I was feeling good so I thought we could have a normal day... That was a mistake. We did take it easy in the morning but then I took Adam to the museum of natural curiosity. I mostly say for that so it wasn't too bad. Then we went to Costco and got some groceries. That still wasn't too bad. I came home and put the groceries away and then made dinner... I was starting to feel it and in the middle of cleaning up I had to admit defeat and sit down. I am mostly ok... They said you could have cramping for up to a week, I only have it when I need to use the bathroom, usually right after I eat, gas pains I guess.  My lower back hurts and that is one of the possible things and my bum hurts from the shots... I feel sore with those things but I am doing ok. We have family stuff today but I think we might join a little late to make sure I don't get too worn out.  It will be a good day and I just have to remember to take it easy.

The plan right now in to go in tomorrow morning for the egg implantation. They may call is tomorrow and push it back to Monday or Tuesday if we still have a lot of eggs.  Then we wait 2 weeks to wait for the results... We are hopeful but not expecting it to work the first time. It is nice to not have a lot of pressure riding on if this works the first time.

Update

I guess it is about time to post an update. We started taking all the drugs last Saturday, about 10 days ago. The first 6 days I would take 5 vials of drugs and mix them together... Which means I take the fluid in one vial and put it into the powder to make it dissolve 5 times. In the last vial I got to add another drug and then I would give myself a shot in the belly. It was nice those first few days to only be poked once.  I was also going in for blood draws and ultrasounds about every other day. Then last Friday I added another drug, so now their are two shots and I'm going in for an ultrasound and blood draw everyday. They are watching the follicles in the ovaries grow and are trying to pick when they will be able to get the most eggs. When they are ready we will give a trigger shot to make the eggs release 36 hours after the shot... And they go in at 35 hours and take the eggs themselves. We have been told the last few dad that we look about ready to trigger but they keep pushing it back. I kinda wish that we could trigger already, especially since the drugs are about $350 a day.... But I know they are doing what will produce the most eggs and give us the most chances for success... I think today is the last day... I have an ultrasound and blood draw in about an hour and a half.... That means the egg retrieval will hopefully be on Thursday and then the eggs will probably be put back in on Sunday... Then we wait two weeks.... It is coming and working. It really isn't that bad... Just lots of shots and blood draws... And I don't have to stress about it working this time because we have extra tries.  Last Friday our doctor didn't think we would get many eggs... So it is nice that we are waiting because we are getting more eggs...  It is just a long emontional process.  Mostly I am doing good but I do have my moments..... Friends and family have been great to help out with Adam during my appointments and Scott has been a rock star helping with the injections and coming to appointments with me... I do have so much to be grateful for.

Anniversary

Scott and I have been married 9 years today!  We aren't doing too much special today, Adam has his very first t ball game tonight. I think I'm just happy with our life. It isn't anything like I thought it would be but it's ours and we have love in our home!  I am looking back and thinking about all the wonderful people I've met in my life... And all the people who only know me as married and I'm grateful for everyone and the influence they have had on my life.

I guess it is time for a little IVF update too. We paid our money and have ordered our drugs.... I guess it doesn't get any more real than that until you actually do it. They have me on birth control right now to control my cycle. This whole process seems so close and so far away all at the same time.  In 2 weeks things will start to get crazy!  Wish us luck!

Starting Soon

Well it is official.... we have signed the paperwork to start in June.  We qualified for the money back plan so we have 4 fresh tries and any frozen with that to try and get a live baby or we get our money back minus the thousands we have to spend on drugs each time.... We have everything on our part done for the loans so we are just waiting for them to actually give us the money and then we get to write out a big fat check..... the biggest check I've ever written....  I go back and forth between being ok/excited at what will hopefully be the results and dreading all the drugs and shots and tests and craziness that will follow... when we asked they said that you usually wait a month between each try so this process could drag out a bit... and you have to use any frozen ones before doing another fresh try... so it could really take awhile.

I'm starting to wonder how I'm going to feel to finally have a chance to get pregnant.  It has been at least 7 years since I've been excited to take a pregnancy test.  After awhile I stopped wasting my money on them and refused to take any until I was at least a week late.... I think the last one I took may have been when we found out we were pregnant with Adam...nature tells you eventually anyway.  So now I will be going in for a blood test at the right time.... I'm sure I will be crazy nervous.... I'm just glad to know that we have so many tries for this to happen... the odds are only in the %30s each time for anyone.  I'm trying so hard to be cautiously optimistic... I think it will happen eventually, but I don't think I'm expecting it the first time.... we are telling people we are doing this... I hope it isn't too hard to tell people when it doesn't work the first time... see I'm trying to make it easier on myself already by not expecting it to work.

Someone asked me the other day if it is hard for me to hear about other people getting pregnant... and I was feeling really good that day so I said, well it depends on the day but mostly I know that God has a plan and a different challenge for everyone.  Some people keep getting pregnant without planning it or wanting it and some just don't get pregnant at all... no one can experience both things so who are we to say which is worse... having a child I know what it is to be so frustrated with him that sometimes I wonder why I want another....I know there are benefits to only having one.... it does make some things easier.... oh I got off track... hearing about other people... honestly I am happy for them.  Most of the ones I hear about are friends who really want a child to come and I am so excited for them... but it does also sometimes, especially if I'm having a rough day, make me wonder why it is that my body can't just get it right.  I know that I live in a wonderful time of modern medicine and miracles.... even in the last 10 years the advances in invirto are incredible.  I'm grateful that we have an option and that I can know why things aren't working... but sometimes I just wish that things could be easier and that my body would work... yep I'm throwing myself a little pity party today....

OK that is over.... we did go to a seminar on the invitro process the other day.  Yes there is a lot and yes I get to take some fun and exciting drugs and give myself shots... but I got to thinking about it... and it really isn't that bad... it last about 2 weeks... they put me on birth control so they can have some control over the cycle and to rest my ovaries and then I start ultrasounds, drugs, and blood tests... about 2 weeks later its done for probably almost 2 months... and while I don't know much about the frozen I do know that is a whole lot easier... well I guess its not totally true... there is a drug that might be a shot that you keep taking until you get a negative pregnancy test or about 10 weeks into the pregnancy... but that isn't too bad, just a little annoying.... and the first week of that 2 weeks you are just doing the drugs and then going in every 2 to 3 days for a quick blood draw and ultrasound...  considering the fact that they are trying to take everything out of your body to make and start growing a baby in a lab and then put it back into your body it doesn't really seem that much.... like I said it depends on which day you talk to me about all this.

Well I guess there is your update on us and this lovely journey that we are starting oh so soon... hey years from now this will all be a distant memory and I won't really care about all of this.  Everything starts in just over a month... so until then I just get to wait...

Middle of the night

Well I woke up in the middle of the night and have been awake for the past two hours just thinking.... I pulled out my phone finally and tried playing games but well my mind kept wandering. Part of me is thinking about starting a new blog with endo and infertility as the focus but I'm also thinking of just using this for now at least...  I haven't used this blog for family stuff in so long anyway...  I mentioned in the last post that I have to do a clomid test this month.... Well that means that I have to do a blood draw on day 3 of my period...I started today well I guess yesterday, after 3 so that should mean the blood draw is on Sunday. I like my Sunday's... Those are days to relax, go to church and be with the family. And well... Our fertility clinic is kinda far away... They have a office that they are just starting to open right by us, but it isn't open on weekends... I know this is our choice. We choose to go to the doctor who talked to our surgeon. We could have used the fertility clinic that we used a few years ago that is close to us but this one felt right since they already knew our situation. We have to go up to that clinic to meet with the doctor but labs and stuff we can usually do closer to home... Unless they are on the weekend.... I'm just emotional I know that....  Going up for a quick blood draw is no big deal... It won't take that long and I can still go to church and be with the family... I just hate the way I feel when it's that time of the month... The endo isn't too bad, there is pain but usually not a lot... I respond to it by just not wanting to do anything and I get highly emontional too which makes me want to do things even less...

But while I've been lying here I've been thinking about the things that I'm writing and realizing that most of what I will probably write on here is kinda complaining... I think this is becoming my emontional release... But I do want to say that for the most part I love my life. I think everyone has some things they might wish were a little different... But when it comes down to it the thing that I love the most is my family. This whole experience has made me realize what a miracle the little boy I do have is.   He might drive me crazy sometimes but a minute later he will have me laughing and smiling. Then there is my husband.  I don't know what I would do without him. Sometimes I am far too serious and he knows how to make me laugh even when I don't want to. Tonight he just held me for a long time, even when he was getting so hot. He works so hard for us and I am so lucky to have him. These 2 boys take up my life and we are happy together. Somethings might seem or even be easier if things were a little different but in the end I get to come back to these 2 who make my life complete and love me and try to take care of me. There are always things to complain about or wish were different but in the everyday moments I'm happy.

Life goes on

Well I know that it has been a really really really long time since I wrote on this.  We are back in Utah now and are enjoying being near friends and family.  Even though we were in Chicago for such a short time we miss it think that we will return eventually... life is pretty good for the most part.  Adam is a growing, energetic, and  loving boy.  He turned 5 a few weeks ago and started playing soccer.  He is excited to start kindergarten next fall.  He also prays to be a big brother multiple times a day.

Well now I am going to write about our lovely journey from the last few months.  I have been feeling about writing something but I'm not sure how much to really share... but at the same time I don't feel like many people really read this blog anyway....

Many of you know that Scott and I have suffered through infertility for years.  It took us 2.5 years to get pregnant with Adam.  We have been trying now for 4.5 years since Adam was 6 months old.  We saw doctors for years and no one could tell us what was wrong.  Because I had painful periods before I had Adam some doctors said that endometriosis was a possibility but that the only way to know for sure was to do surgery.  I didn't have a lot of pain so there was a lot of uncertainty and we weren't ready to pay for it.... Well after our move to Utah we decided we were ready to find out.  We scheduled a doctor appointment over Christmas and met with the doctor at the end of January.  Basically we talked to him and got the go ahead to do the surgery.  We did the surgery at the beginning of March.  I was a little nervous but mostly just ready to find out.  I came out of surgery and found out that I had endometriosis stage 4.  When we met with the doctor a few weeks later he said it was one of the worst cases he had seen in awhile.  The scar tissue has built up so much that my appendix is attached to my ovaries and tubes and my bowels are attached to the back of the uterus.  Once we talked to the doctor he informed us that my insides are screwed up enough that Adam was a complete miracle.  The doctor basically said our only option to get pregnant again is in vitro fertilization.  Since I have been diagnosed I have met many people that have endometriosis, but most of them seem to get the surgery and then they can get pregnant.  They clear out the endometriosis and their insides are working.... who knew that my insides were exploding for so long that they are beyond repair.

So our doctor who found the endometriosis called a fertility specialist and shared our case with him.  We met with him a few weeks ago.  We did a few tests with him.  The endometriosis has invaded one of my ovaries.  But other than that most of the things are good for in vitro.  My egg count is in the middle so I have to do a test this month to see if my body responds to drugs to produce more eggs... if it does than we can qualify for the money back guarantee for in vitro... that means that we pay LOTS of money and if after four cycles we don't end up with a live born baby then we get our money back... well most of the money, we don't get the money we paid for the drugs... or to be put under so they can get the eggs....

I go back and forth on the way I feel....  I am glad to have answers... even if I wish they were different.  I hate the idea of taking all of money and going into debt to have a baby... Someday I would like to have a house but that feels farther and farther away as we spend more and more money and find that a downpayment is years away....  I hate the idea of taking loads and loads of drugs and going completely crazy... I keep thinking that maybe I can still have a miracle and get pregnant before  we pay for in vitro.... but that probably won't happen...

So anyway... that is my mind at the moment... I'm pretty calm about it right now.  I go back and forth... emotions flair and then they come back down...life is crazy and it isn't really fair... but everyone has their own trials...  I do know that God has a plan for me even if I don't understand it at all... sometimes that reassurance makes things all better... other times I still want to cry and throw things... We will start soon... I want it to take on the first cycle, but then it will feel like we wasted a lot of money.... whatever we are doing this to increase our family... it is our only natural hope and that is the path that feels right at the moment...  Sometimes people say stupid things that just make me shake my head but I know that they aren't trying to be stupid so I try to have patience with them....  Please make sure if you choose to comment that you don't say something stupid :)

Well that is the intimate side of my life at the moment... I hope you enjoyed the read...